Here I am – sitting at a rice field in Ubud, Bali.
Time to get away from the thick air, scooter honking, „Taxi“ calling and traffic jams. Time to breathe, reflect, quiet the mind, become still and all that good stuff that staring at the right rice field promises. Rice field views are a very Ubud thing to do.
Here I am – a coffee and a lovely freshly planted rice field in front of me. And yes, a moment of stillness and relief. –
Until i feel thought-clouds piling up in my head to start a storm – remembering all the encounters i had in the last couple of days – the meetings – the people – what has been said – what should have been said – who said what, all the uncomfortable stuff. That weird tonality in that phrase, that snappy remark, that look on their faces, that annoying wording – all at the same time, i remember every detail it seems.
And i feel it all – at once – and i start to reengage with every story and discussion, reviving the arguments. Buying into that whole scenario again – naturally leading to the ultimate misunderstanding: Me against Them! Me against the World! What do they know? What do they care? What does everyone want?! And what do i have to do with any of that?
I am just me and i can’t help it and i can’t change it and that’s the only stuff i can work with and it’s how the world will find me.
I am shy and loud.
I am the german kind of blunt.
I am a little frustrated and lost. I have a childish kind of joy.
I am funny – they say. And a truth teller.
I am serious, deep and badass, I say.
And i am a doubter and a believer.
And i say „I don’t care“, but i do.
And i have opinions.
I feel, I overthink, I don’t know, I wonder.
I am silly and I mean what i say.
I only settle for the truth and i change my hair color.
I feel ready to handle the big stuff and i am never ready to leave the house on time.
Said no rice plant ever!
Geez – human beings are this constant struggling conversation.
Definitely need more rice field view time!